Random Girl Strikes Again

All things wise and wonderful... and some really dumb... and mostly random

Saturday, September 20, 2003

I miss my husband.

I know they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and in some part that is true, but it also makes the heart ache. It makes my arms ache too when I have to go for too long without hugging him. Distance between partners sucks.

Maybe I should explain why we are apart right now. We had a cute little apartment in Monrovia, California. An adorable little one bedroom place in one of the greatest towns I have ever seen. Only problems were that we are a family of four and paying what we were for such a small place was ludicrous. So when it came down to it, we decided to move rather then keep paying so much. We had been looking for somewhere bigger since I found out I was pregnant way back in September 2002. We just had no luck, so when it came time to move, we had to part ways. I took the kids and just about everything we had up here to Bakersfield with my parents, while 7 moved into a room with a couple of his friends down in Garden Grove so he could continue working. For anyone who doesn't know where either place is, it's about a 2 1/2 hour drive to get from one to the other.

That was back at the end of May. So here it is approaching the end of September and we're still apart. I'm getting to the point where I'm tired of putting on a brave face when people ask me how we do it. "It just had to be done" I say with a shrug and a wan smile. Yeah, it had to be done, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. 7 and I started out our relationship long distance, so I guess I'm more used to it maybe than other people. He was in Texas and I was here in California for 3 years. We got to see each other every few months, at one point it was 6 months between visits. It gets to a point where you start to hate the distance like it is a person. You want to just kick and punch at it because it's keeping your love away from you. It takes a lot of dedication and love to even be able to consider a relationship like that, let alone maintain one.

I've also found that it takes a certain amount of forced detachment. I have to keep myself somewhat detached from the situation or it'll just make me crazy. If I let all the loneliness and longing be at the front of my brain for very long, I turn into a weepy puddle and can't get anything done. If I let myself think about how long it's been since I got to wake up in the morning next to him, wrap my arms around him, or just do something as stupid and ordinary as hold his hand while watching tv without checking the clock to figure out how quickly my time with him is running out, I'd realize what a big chunk of my life was missing. And that is never a pleasant thought. It's a day ruining, energy sucking, happiness devouring thought. He's my best friend in the world in addition to being my husband and to not be able to be with him is torture. Therefore, I distance myself a little. Not that this works perfectly... I often feel kind of like a stranger for a bit when we do see each other. It's hard to let my emotions off the leash to run free again, knowing that I'll have to shut them up again real soon.

So I spend my days trying to keep busy and avoid thinking about it. I have two little ones to raise, so I guess I'm lucky I don't have much free time to myself. You don't get to mope much when you're too busy to remember to eat. I just pray that God smiles on us again soon and we can find a place big enough and cheap enough for us to move into and be a family in again.

I wanna to go home.


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